I often find myself stuck at cross roads when it comes to sharing certain feelings/emotions/experiences online. I value privacy more than anything, but I also value the ability to be vulnerable, and open that things are not going as you may have hoped.
The scale never seems balanced for me; the more I share on the internet, the more private I want my life to become. Now, I’m not sitting here so that I can spill all my deepest, darkest secrets with you (not that I believe I have any). The people I respect most on the internet, are those who don’t go too in-depth about their personal life. They know how to strike a balance. A balance that makes you feel like you know them enough to trust them, yet you respect them enough allow their life to remain as private as they wish.
I’ve asked a few close friends if they believe I strike this same balance online (I think it’s quite hard to tell for yourself). They have all answered yes, however I felt myself disagreeing with them.
Here’s why:
The last year and a half have been anything but easy for me. This may (or may not) come as an absolute shock to those who don’t know me personally. For some context, a very close friend of mine whom I’ve confided in for years once said to me, “You are a mastermind at putting up such a good front that even those closest to you can’t detect that anything is wrong”. I was quite flattered by this, but it also made me question why I was holding my cards so close to my chest that even people I trusted wholeheartedly were unaware that I was feeling upset.
I would read comments, and messages from you, my community that followed along the lines of “you have never looked happier”, “you’re glowing”, “I’m so jealous of your life”. This caused me to feel so incredibly disconnected from my job. This (still figuring out what my job title is… lol) is truly the most rewarding, and draining industry. There is no off switch, I am my work, my life as I choose to share it is my work. Reading comments like the above, made me feel like I was hiding something… almost as if I was living a double life. The comments I actually quite appreciated, it served as validation to the statement above. But after reading these, it felt draining to show up to “work” everyday once I was aware I was subconsciously putting up a front to protect my peace.
I now realize that “protecting my peace” could have looked different. I could have been more vulnerable and shared that I was going through hard times, will still keeping details private, as those members of this industry I respect most do. I sat down to write about this today… because over the last 2 weeks I feel as though I’ve redefined bliss for myself.
Here’s how:
There was a brief moment during the winter that I felt blissful. I had forgotten how this feeling felt. The last known record of allowing myself to feel “bliss”, was a year prior. I was on a solo ski-tour, I hadn't seen another person in hours, I put my phone in my backpack and laid down on the snow. This was the first time my brain shut off in months… it was silent, serene, dare I say…blissful. That moment only lasted for seconds, but it served as a reminder that bliss still existed.
3 weeks ago, I hiked to Wedgemount Lake with one of my oldest childhood friends. This was the third time in the past year I felt bliss. The only difference is, this time it didn’t go away.
A few of the things that have allowed me to feel bliss again:
Finally feeling comfortable in the space I’m living in
for some context on this: I had moved 11 times in the last 2 years. A few of those moves not on purpose… life has a funny way of throwing you a curve ball when you really really don’t need one. I finally signed a year lease, meaning I don’t have to move again unless I want to.
Spending time with people who know you, and have known you for what feels like an eternity, is the equivalent of a warm hug.
Not just in the last 3 weeks… but writing every thought, feeling, emotion, etc. down really allows you to understand what you’re thinking, and how you’re feeling. So journaling, scribbling, whatever you want to call it, makes you so in tune with your mind
Happiness is a choice. Truthfully, this was a hard pill for me to swallow. I never want to sugarcoat how I’m doing if someone asks. But, if you always say you’re just ok… you’re only ever going to be just ok. Happiness is a mind game to me, you need to believe you’re happy, to feel it. That’s not to say you’re going to be happy all the time… that to me is unrealistic, and simply impossible. But there is no longer a point to dwelling on things you have no control over. The only thing you have control over is you.
In the last few weeks; I’ve moved, visited my favourite place on earth, physically tested my limits, bought my first car, felt valued by clients and partners that I work with, spent quality time with friends whom I love dearly, finally felt excited about getting dressed again, actively chose happiness (even when I really didn’t want to), played with my film camera, have been training for a marathon, begun decorating my own space, cooked and baked for people I love (one of my favourite things to do), spent an immense amount of time reflecting, and finally felt comfortable to share another layer of myself with you.
The above is now just a small portion of how I define bliss for myself.
Thank you for being here, and for trusting me, while also respecting my privacy.
I would not be me, without you.
Love,
Chloe
I don't write online, and I can't imagine how difficult it would be to figure out the balance of how intimately to share about myself if I did. But anytime a writer reveals another layer of themselves, its always rewarding as a reader/fellow fumbling human. I have to ask - those hikes look amazing. Remind me a bit of the Eastern Sierras. Are they California, or somewhere else?